Recovering Jehovah's Witness
For many children born into religion, a child is never asked if they want to BE a Christian, Catholic, Jehovah's Witness, FDLS member, they just are. Choice and freedom of religion is stripped of them the moment they come into this world. As an American, one of our constitutional rights is Freedom of Religion, however, this does not apply to those born into many religions.
Born and raised a Jehovah’s Witness (JW), so much of my Biblical upbringing forced me to rebel against religion and separate from God/Spirit. From about the age of 5, I questioned the principles and ideas that were taught in the JW Bible. When I protested, my mother would say, “as long as you live under my roof, you must follow my rules” which translated to Jehovah’s rules. This included going to church “meetings” 3 times a week for 1-2 hours each time, where we were taught that God was a judgmental ruler who lived in the heavens and watched our every move. I believed Jehovah was always watching me from his heavenly throne, waiting to "strike vengeance upon" me when I disobeyed Him. My father, on the other hand, epitomized everything that the JW Bible preached that you shouldn’t be or do...dad smoked like a chimney and gambled. He did not attend church with us three times a week, yet he obliged mom’s wishes to raise us as Jehovah’s Witnesses. Growing up JW in a spiritually split household left me feeling confused and isolated well into my adult life.
Many religions teach that God is to be feared. As a young girl I didn't understand what it meant to "fear God". However, I did fear Satan the devil/fallen angel that was cast out of heaven. I learned to fear the mere mention of the name Satan. I became paralyzed by the thought that I would become possessed if I ever watched supernatural movies, read my horoscope, or formed my own belief around religion and God outside of the Jehovah's Witness teachings. At weekly JW meetings we were taught that if one disobeyed God Jehovah and his rules, they would be ex-communicated from those in the church and ultimately shunned by their family and friends. The Elders would publicly announce the names of those that were disfellowshipped for all to know. At the end of the service an announcement would be made stating Jane or John Doe had been disfellowshipped and everyone was to avoid them like the plague unless it was later announced that they had repented.
Youth were taught that associating with “the world” (anyone who wasn’t a JW) would be leading a double life. God would not accept you because “they” - those of the world- do not know the “truth”. Within the JW religion there is an us and them mentality. If you associated with "them"/“the world” you were leading a double life and God would not accept you because “they-those of the world” do not know the Truth. “They” were going to lead me to do bad things and become a bad person. They are of the world and are “worldly”. You don’t want to be “worldly” if you were a Jehovah’s Witness.….JW Bible stories of being outcast and the struggles of good and evil were presented as black and white - the “bad” who did not listen to God Jehovah would end up perishing in Armageddon(God's War). Jehovah's Witnesses believe that if one is lucky enough to die before Armageddon they will be resurrected and have a chance to live a perfect everlasting life - frolicking with lions, tigers, and bears; living a carefree and perfect human existence. This picture of wildlife and humans in a paradise would illustrate the JW books and magazines (the Watchtower and Awake) to attract young children to devote themselves to Jehovah. At 5-9 years old it was my motivation to BE a good Jehovah-loving girl so I too could frolic with the lions and tigers, swim with sharks in a beautiful paradise on earth….. Living in a paradise on earth was the reward for obeying our one true god.
Repeatedly hearing these stories of good & evil multiple times a week was a way to brainwash one to be a good and obedient child of god, going door to door and putting in hours of service to earn a "Publisher" badge was the first way to publicly acknowledge one's devotion to Jehovah...I followed this path until puberty (naturally). But by the time I was in high school, I had my doubts about devoting myself to Jehovah. I felt like a hypocrite going door to door preaching about Jehovah’s word when I was questioning my faith. In reality, I was embarrassed preaching door to door, fearful my peers would see me and label me a religious weirdo. Slowly, I stopped making my hours. An elder (person like a priest) approached me after a meeting and questioned me about my lack of door to door hours. I expressed my feelings of hypocrisy and the elder responded by telling me I was going to die for disobeying Jehovah. On the car ride home, I told my mom what had happened through sobs of tears. I was enraged over our conversation and expressed that I was done with the religion. How could this man tell 16 year old me that I was going die just because I didn’t buy in to the JW religion?! He was not (Jehovah) God!! I hoped that my mother would side with me and say we no longer had to go to meetings. Instead, she explained that the elder was a family friend, what he did was out of love, and that I should forgive him. My mother insisted that I keep going to meetings. As a compromise we switched congregations and joined my grandmother’s congregation. From that moment on, I made it my mission to to escape the religion- go to college on the mainland.
Throughout college, I rejected God and religion but still felt spiritual. I would often pray when I felt scared, lonely, or had trouble sleeping. In my twenties, I started therapy, read a lot of self-help books (mostly recommended by Oprah), and got clear that I was spiritual but not religious. My thirties taught me the first spiritual universal rule through struggles with infertility: put trust in “universe/God” anything is possible...when I gave up trying (to get pregnant), I ended up pregnant!
Struggling with marriage and infertility, giving birth to my daughter, and experiencing the passing of my favorite person in the world -my beloved Grandma, caused me to contemplate the dualities of life & death, spirituality & religion, love & fear. The death of life and birth of another, left me yearning for answers to life's great questions: Who am I? What is my purpose? How can I live my best life? Did I marry the right person? I found comfort in watching Oprah (Super Soul Sunday), reading self-help books, and listening to podcasts - mainly Rob Bell (recommended by Oprah). Having read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth (also recommended by Oprah) was the beginning of a spiritual shift that changed my relationship to God and the Bible forever. Tolle often parallelled biblical scriptures with (his) interpretations. It was mind blowing and comforting to find a spiritual thought leader who was on the brink of suicide, interpret the Bible in such a loving and thoughtful way. It was a refreshing perspective of the Bible that finally made sense to me. I was then guided to the ideologies of Rob Bell's podcast, and learned to meditate with Deepak, which then led me to "unlearn" all of the religious beliefs and dogma that came with growing up in a religious cult, ultimately leading me to Hatha yoga.
Regularly practicing yoga and meditation connected me with God and self through body and mind - Asanas and Shivassana. I took an intensive 3 week training and was immersed in the eastern philosophies of yoga, its origins, and astrology. It was another shift in consciousness in the journey inward - forcing me to question everything I learned and unlearned. Connecting with self through yoga I was able to integrate Hinduism/Buddhism with all the teachings I learned from religion and the Bible...... every religion or belief explored had the same message- GOD is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE - it is each and every one of our birthrights to have infinite access to this Love.
Reflecting on this journey, I saw that my whole life had been spiritual! But having explored many groups of thought/philosophies on spirit, I had yet to feel truly at home in any. It seemed everyone heard God/higher self/spirit guiding them. I, on the other hand, was still searching for enlightenment, answers, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Its taken many more years of deep digging and compassionate inquiry (Gabor Mate) to realize how the religious and cultural beliefs I grew up in formed an ego that wasn't so easy to get rid of. The conditioned beliefs I had learned came in the form of a perfectionist belief system that I had to do all things to reach some unattainable heaven on earth.
Life can be both cyclical and linear at the same time when one let's go of control. Finding acceptance and forgiveness of self daily (minute to minute) is my motivation to share the thoughts and experiences that I have with the world. Without any of these struggles/bliss (dualities) I would not be who I am or where I stand within myself. In sharing my spiritual journey, it is not my intention to preach that a spiritual path is the way for everyone nor am I an expert on life. My intention for SpirituALCHEMY Coaching is to connect and ignite someone else towards their own personal spiritual alchemy in whatever that may look like. As many a great mentor and teacher has said, "we are all divine spiritual beings living a very human existence. With all that is going on in the world today, people are seeking out something greater than oneself. Finding the Truth, your Truth (as is noted in the Bible and all documented spiritual teachings for that matter) will set you free. If you are struggling with your spirituality and religious beliefs and would like a sounding board to sort through old beliefs and create your own personal spiritual path, reach out or leave a comment below. You are not alone.
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